Last night while I was cleaning I found a framed picture of me and him. I carried it from room to room trying to figure out where it should go. I went in the kitchen and threw it in the trash. Then I went and dug it out. That didn’t feel right. I have heard so many songs lately about standing by your man, hanging on even when it’s tough and never leaving. I much prefer "The Gambler" school of thought, "Know when hold 'em. Know when to walk away and know when to run." A marriage therapist told me once that I should stop threatening to leave. But I wasn’t threatening. I really meant to leave. I just couldn’t follow through.
He would promise it would get better and we would be in the honeymoon phase for a while and I would forget what I found on his computer, or that he quit yet another job or that I was single handedly cleaning our whole habitation. At what point do you stop saying I will always be here and start saying I can’t live this way anymore? Is it violence? Or illegal activity? Adultery? Or realizing that you don’t even know who you are in anymore? Is simply being unhappy a valid reason for divorce? Or is he right that I have no “real” reason to divorce him? I will let you know if I ever figure it out.
And the picture of me and him? I stuck it in a drawer in the baby’s room. I won’t destroy that for him.