Wednesday, April 29, 2009

One day on Provera

I am so sorry guys to be so bitter today and this is not meant toward anyone online. You guys have been so supportive but some people IRL have been very frustrating. I know it is probably the Provera I started last night but I feel crampy, cranky and tired. The more I have thougth about things today the more I have felt angry.

For almost two years we have been trying to get pregnant. The few poeple in my life that I discussed this with (RN's mind you) all told me that it was no big deal and they told me little antidotes about how long that they waited before they had their first or second child. Months! they waited months. We have almost waited almost two years. I just wish that somebody would have said to me, "It's probably nothing but it could be something. If you feel uncomfortable with the wait go to the Doctor I am sure they can help you." Instead of making me feel like I was making something out of nothing. If I hear just relax and let nature take it's course one more time I think I will toss my cookies!! If someone had said that to me I might have been in more of a rush to see the doctor but you guys almost made me feel like he would call me silly, pat me on the hand and send me back home.

That is true for most poeple but I have just been told I was abnormal. I have just been told that teenagers all over the country and getting knocked up in backseats of cars and woman are having babies so that can get more foodstamps but my husband and I are in a loving, married relationship and we can't have the baby we have been praying to recieve for two years.

I will not be able to get a baby the natural way. I have a medical problem that prevents it. I know that fertility drugs cause multipes and if you tell me one more time I will not speak to you again until I have more kids than Jon and Kate. But my husband and I weighed the decision and we are willing to take that chance so that we may have the posibility of ONE child. Even on the fertility drugs I might not even get the ONE child. I may spend all this money and go through all this heartache and never have my baby.

And what the heck is up with insurance companies not covering fertility issues. All run by men, they must be. Only another woman would understand the yearning we feel for a baby. For a tiny little hand to hold in ours.

I understand that it is not the fault of everyone around me that you guys are all pregnant. I will not forget that you are pregnant but please do not forget that I am not. When you told me you were pregnant my heart broke a little. When you told me you were having twins I cried but when you told me you were having twin girls and using one of the names I picked out I thought my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I understand that you are happy, I understand that you wanted a baby too but please show me some consideration. I have just been told I might not ever be able to have a baby. Or I might not ever be able to afford what it takes for me to have a baby.

Please don't feel sorry for me, pray for me. I need it so bad right now.


Sparkette said...

I will not feel sorry for you. I will pray for you as you have asked. I can never imagine the shoes you are in...but I will be your sister and give you a shoulder if needed.

Debbie said...

I will pray for you. I will also feel empathy for you because I walked a similar path for several years and it is a long, lonely, bumpy road. You may complain to me anytime.

Ginny Hartman said...

Hi cupcake! I stumbled across your blog and enjoy checking up reading your posts. I just read the one about you getting diagnosed with PCOS. I was diagnosed when I was 16 and told I would have a hard time ever having children, but much to my surprise and delight, I now have twin girls without the help of miracle! Anyway, I know that God is aware of your situation and that He loves you and is so proud of you for having the righteous desire to bare His children and do something so honorable as being a mother and He will bless you, I just know it. God promises to bless us when we do what's right and wanting to become a mother is definatley right. You're in my prayers!