Thursday, February 5, 2009

My Hardest Day

This is from two years ago today.

The anguish griped me like an icy hand. I felt tears sting the backs of my eye lids yet I could not bear to open them. My mind was still foggy from the sedative but I couldn't remember why they needed it. I sat straight up in the bed but the memory pushed further back. Stabs like knives pummeled my belly and that's when I remembered.

My sweet little fetus was gone. The hope for the baby he left me with was gone. The little life that had kept me fighting for air when he left had left me also. The warmth in the winter of my soul had extinguished. All the air left my lungs with this realization. My chest felt empty, I was again but a shell.

I heard a horrid scream seeming to come from far away. I heard a familiar voice murmur, "Oh no, she's still hurting." Hands seem to grip me from everywhere. I felt as if they were taking more of me, so I fought them but they . I understood only when they were holding me down again and the sweet needle was in my veins again that the scream came from my dry, cracked lips.

Delirious sleep rescued me again. I wouldn't have to deal with the grief until I resurfaced. Then, maybe then the sorrow would dull enough for life to continue.

3 comments:

jenjen said...

((hugs))
Jen

Lisa@BlessedwithGrace said...

I am so sorry for the pain and grief you have experienced. As a labor and delivery nurse, of 14 years,I have been in the room of the hurting mother and tried to help her as the overwhelming grief and pain come to her consciousness. I have felt that God placed me, with those women, for a reason, as I helped the healing process both physically and emotionally.
I know that, two years later, your grief and sorrow are still very real.
Thank you for sharing your very personal moment, with us all.

Tiaras and Tantrums said...

so sorry to hear this