Wednesday, February 25, 2009

How AS affects me...

Let me start by saying I love my husband more than life! This is not a negative post but so please don't take it negatively!!

In our counseling session Monday (everything went really well, thanks for asking!!), our counselor asked me how HUSBAND's Aspurger's affected me. I told him alot of times I physically felt upset for him. When we are in public he is so awkward and I feel for him. It is almost like when you are young and you are out on the playground. You know how there is this one kid who is trying really hard for everyone to like him? That is my hubby. He tries to be the center of attention so that people like him. He likes to be the funniest person, the kindest person, the most helpful person with his peers. But just as we did when we were children we automatically recoil away from anyone trying to hard.


He also has an unfounded aversion with authority. He doesn't understand it and neither do I. I think it has alot to do with the feelings of never being good enough and needed to be right. Needing to be validated and not feeling like he gets that from people who have authority over him.


I also have to watch this, because sometimes HUSBAND and I fall into the mother/child role and I try to usurp my authority over him. First, this is not right, I shouldn't do this but sometimes he takes the child role and that is my reaction. Second, I really want my husband to be the leader in our relationship but I don't always feel like I can trust his leadership. Third, this makes him automatically averse to doing whatever that I am trying to make him do.


Some of the things I feel like I should make him do are things most of us do automatically. Like shave, shower, brush his teeth, or put on clean clothes. I was brought up with a father that was almost critical of these things. We brushed our teeth twice a day and we showered everyday and we changed our clothes. These are not things that are super important to my husband. I think part of this is his Asperger's. I know that when showering he feels like a sensory overload. I know that when I can physically smell that he needs a shower, he simply does not smell that. I know that it actually hurt him to brush his teeth (not sure if this is Asperger's or bad teeth).


Things are actually going much better for us since I started taking Celexa. It helps me to not emotionally overreact and be calm in order to help him understand what I think the problem is. Before when I would get overly emotional HUSBAND really had no idea what to do. When I would cry he would feel completely worthless and that made his shut down. Also, my panic attacks would scare him (and me) so he would feel responsible for making me scared and in pain. But the Celexa helped problems that I had before he came along and helped me to better handle the challenges that Asperger's has brought to my life.

Sorry for the long post!!! Just felt the need to express myself today!!!!


Debbie said...

I think this is a beautiful post. It doesn't sound to me like you are being critical of your husband - quite the contrary. You sound like a woman in love and trying to help the man she loves.

Diane said...

as an adult with aspergers, i have to say that everything you expressed in this post is POSITIVE - i don't see any negative at all.

thankfully i dont have some of the problems your hubby does (some of it is the difference in how AS affects males vs. females, i think), but i do have some issues that i need help overcoming. for example, staying at the store long enough to get all the things i went there for without becoming so overwhelmed (sensory) that i have to just leave. also, i do prefer to take a bath, rather than a shower though, for the same reasons as your hubby (WHOA! OUCH! OVERLOAD!). but i love baths, so that works out! lol

long story short - the important thing is to KNOW what the problems are so they can be addressed and worked on. so it is VERY positive that you are aware. now to help make HIM more aware! i have a lot of strategies that i use that work for me. if you're interested, email me! :)

it helps me feel most independent to not have *someone else* giving me cues and reminders, but rather myself. if he is MOTIVATED and willing to try different things, and find ways to help himself before YOU step in, i think it would help the both of you! you need to be the wife, not the mother - for both your sake.

ps...i'm on meds that kinda knock me down a notch, so i'm calmer and better able to work through some things. does your hubby take any meds? (you might have to remind him to take them! i have to leave a noted got myself!)

sorry so long!
:) {hug}

CC said...

Great post! Although my husband does not have Asperger's, he is in chronic pain and so I often take on the mother-child role with him as well. He shows very little leadership and that used to be hard for me. But, now I think I'm used to it. ;)

I'm so happy for all the great things you are working on together and aware of and opening talking about. That is so great!

Live.Love.Eat said...

Wow, what an honest and heartfelt post. I don't know much about aspergers so I need to go look it up. I wish you well with everything!!!!!

zombietron said...

Ahhh your blog makes me so happy! It's so refreshing. Thank you so much for writing this post.
I definitely know about the feeling of being two kids in a playground.
My boyfriend has been "hermiting" himself away more than ever lately - he doesn't leave our room except for work. A part of him doing that is he's started asking me to do things for him - the mother/child role. I refuse to do them because he knows I do not want him to be dependent on me. I work full time and look after everything else in our lives already.
I get really upset because it is not my responsibility to make sure he does the things that people do everyday - but I know that when I am not home to remind him to eat...he won't eat.

I have a huge problem with "overreacting" - although I think it only feels like you're overreacting because there's no reaction coming back to you from them. Maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, I'm glad your meds are helping you. I've just started on a new pill with less hormones that I'm hoping will even out my we'll see.

I'm still struggling to figure out the differences in the way we think, and how to get an understanding between us, just how to keep together.

Once again, I'm so glad I've found your blog. You've really made me feel a lot less upset than I have been. Thanks :D

Cathy said...

I agree, you were not being critical. You are dealing with a lot of issues, and you said everything with love.

Tabitha Blue/Fresh Mommy said...

Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job! You wrote a beautiful post about it as well, and made it sound very positive. You have such a great outlook and you're an inspiration... keep it up!


Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

I know very little about AS (everything I learned was from Boston Legal actually) and I thought this was a fantastic post. Very positive and genuine.

3kliksphilip said...

Hi Cupcake, I'm just wondering, how did you meet your husband? Was it in unusual circumstances? What did you think of him the first time you saw him?